I guess I’ve been doing some soul searching, trying to figure out my place on this earth. I’ve been aiming to please my parents, my siblings, my friends, and most importantly, I’ve been trying to please God. I’ve already pleased myself, so I think it’s time to become more selfless. I don’t believe I’m doing this as something that is temporary. Rather, I am looking at it as a full on cleansing. I think it’s essential to my happiness, because attachment to this life is never a good thing. I would catch myself feeling invincible, as if I’d live forever, and that was not a correct feeling to have. I would retreat to my music in order to feel better. If I was down, I had a song. If I was happy, I had another song. My solution to feeling better? It was more attachment to this Dunia. But God gives you signs, God gives you the opportunity to improve yourself, and you’re a fool if you ignore it. My sign? The death of three close people, and two really bad car accidents. Not to mention, the fighting in Jerusalem, and all around the world. I was getting these wake up calls, and it would wake me up for a bit, then I would go back to sleep.
It wasn’t until the most recent death of my friend’s father, that I realized I had to keep going. This soul searching had to turn into soul living. And living? Not for this Dunia, but for the Akhira. I would want to say it’s been a struggle, but it hasn’t. If anything, it’s been emotionally healing trusting in God’s plan, instead of stressing over my own. I let things go, and they happen on their own. I sleep on time, and wake up relaxed. I forgive easily, and I follow the Sunnah correctly. I pray on time, and I feel good about myself. It’s a detox that has me feeling confident and satisfied, a detox I would never want to let go.
I catch myself wondering who I was a few months ago, and I feel like that is someone I no longer know. I’m a stranger to my past self, that’s funny you know? I wasn’t bad, I never did anything epic to be ashamed of myself. But I never fully grasped the concept of living this life for the hereafter. Doing the good because I might not see it now, but I’ll see it when the time is right. I was patient, yes, but not half as patient as I am now. I could sit back and relax, and watch God’s plan unfold in front of me. These days, I find it to be a beautiful plan, and I admire the serenity that comes with it. I might still stress out at times, and I know that I am just being myself. However, I find myself continuously getting closer to my religion, and it’s a feeling I value highly. I wouldn’t want it to change, and I wouldn’t want it to be anything I lose grasp of.
The stronger my relationship with God, the happier I am. The more I give to him, the more he gives to me. He might take at times, to test me and make sure I value what I am being given, and that’s absolutely fine with me. Because this relationship is something I’m starting to value more and more. It has always been a strong one between God and I, however, these days it’s becoming stronger than ever. It’s becoming a bond, and I find myself looking forward to praying more than I have in the past. That one on one time with God means a lot to me, and it leaves me feeling happy and relaxed. I find that the closer I’m getting to religion, the less things affect me, the happier I am. It’s a feeling I wouldn’t pass up, and I hope to grow more and more into as time passes by. Alhamdulilah. Allah truly is kind.
Besos xoxo -Chereen
